Tuesday March 11th, 2014 | 2:45am
Why is it that when I try to be an adult and deal with things rationally, people flip out on me? I ask one question, trying to be responsible. And yeah, ok, it's something I should have asked earlier but better late than never.
Also, trying to fight my social conditioning to smooth things over by apologizing for everything. It was a fair question and I had to ask. You chose to get upset and overreact. Not my fault and not something I need to apologize for.
Apparently my church echoes when it's empty. I hope I didn't overly disturb the guy I keep seeing there on Monday afternoons. But it's a church. That's what it's there for.
I've gone from being lonely and pathetic and crying for myself to having something resembling a life and crying from sympathy for people with actual tragedies. It's an improvement.
Sunday March 9th, 2014 | 3:18am
He tells me he has to run to the store to pick something up for dinner. So I start flipping channels on his tv. And what's on PBS but a Great Performances of a tribute to Bob Dylan. Because of course. Because what even is my life. I swear, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. (For those curious, I settled on the end of the Knicks game because there's nothing on tv on Saturday nights.)
Also, soccer is high on the list of dumbest sports ever. And I'm not just saying that cuz he creamed me at FIFA 7-0. Nope, not bitter at all. Also also, why on God's green earth would I own a FIFA game? I'll happily provide the console. You can scrounge up a game disc.
Church gave out little booklets of Lenten daily reflections. The question after today's reflection is "When you are alone, what are the thoughts that come to you, the temptations that haunt you?" I don't think my answer is what they were looking for. It's hard to articulate the morass when I'm not in it - I feel too melodramatic. But when I feel well and truly alone, the thoughts that come can be summed up as "I suck at life" and the temptation is, at best, to lock myself away so I can't hurt people.
As if I'm not already exhausted, I just watched the clock skip from 1:59 to 3:00 am. That's just no damn fun. I should try sleep.
Thursday March 6th, 2014 | 1:43am
I never got back to Ryan about being Nolan's Mary godmother. Once my father came back down, once things calmed down, I was going to tell him yes. Explain what I'd been staring in the face and why I'd felt unfit. I kept putting it off. I thought I had time.
We always think we have more time.
N said a bunch more right things last night that made me cry. And when I told him he was the best, he replied with "Yeah, I know," which made me laugh.
He was watching the replay of yesterday's Devils game this afternoon. (Whether he knew it was a replay is anyone's guess.) And yeah ok, he was also watching two soccer games at the same time, but. I don't think he'd seen a hockey game before I dragged him on Sunday. And now he's watching games on his own. That knocks me over more than anything he's said.
He's serious. He's really fucking serious.
And fuck me but I can't help it. I never get attention like this and it's really fucking nice. It's seductive.
Once I made the decision to not hold other people's actions against him, it's scary how quickly I started to trust him. He's got a sincerity to him that makes it easy to believe what he says.
This isn't what I expected. This wasn't anything I was looking for. But. It's what I have now. It feels like a gift. I feel like I don't deserve it.
You want coincidences? His favorite singer had a childhood accident that left him blind in one eye. Kinda like this hockey player I know. (Gibbs' rule 39: there are no coincidences.)
I've gotten in way over my head. I let him in. I didn't keep my distance. But I'm ok with that.
(Someone remind me of this later when I'm broken again after he gets fed up with me.)
Thursday February 27th, 2014 | 6:56pm
My problems seem so ridiculously insignificant right now. On Tuesday I felt like I was heading towards PMS-depression, especially after Monday night. But N said a couple of the right things Tuesday night and I managed to talk myself down. I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and not punish him for things other people have done. And then Wednesday I had a full day of jewelry to make up for a snow day. Jewelry usually helps center me. It requires more concentration than any of my other hobbies so I can lose myself in it and ignore bad thoughts.
Then I got some of the worst news I've had in years. All I can do is be a listening ear. And pray. St. Francis of Assisi, patron saint of children. St. Joseph, an adoptive father himself. The Blessed Mother, who knows the pain of losing her only Son. And St. Jude because it's gotten desperate. Nothing is impossible with God. Please.
Tuesday February 25th, 2014 | 2:50am
I can live with knowing it won't last. That he'll leave just like everyone else does.
No, what kills me is having to explain why I don't have plans or dreams or expectations. Why I don't even bother thinking about what I'd want in a relationship. It's having to explain that I've stopped bothering trying to be happy. That I don't trust people anymore.
Having to confront, admit, and lay out just how broken I am. That's the part that makes me cry.
And of course I have to say it without telling him that he'll leave too. Because either he'll just deny it, or he'll be hurt that I don't trust him and it's not about him. It's about me. It's something about me that's so damn repulsive it drives away anyone I open up to. So I stay distant and have shallow friendships with my knitting friends and the rest of the crew at the restaurant. Anything deeper and they'll see it and leave.
He just...I don't think he has any idea what it's like to doubt yourself like this. To have a brain that actively works against you. He quotes scripture at me, like I've never tried prayer. He says to be positive. To keep trusting, even after you've been repeatedly crushed. That you have to want to be happy. (All paraphrased, of course.) I've been dealing with this for 15 years. None of it works.
If you don't hope for better, you can't be disappointed when it never happens. He thinks he can gain my confidence in time. But there's nothing left to gain. Just a cold dead rock where my heart used to be. There's only so many betrayals you can take from friends and family and I've hit my limit. I'll go through the motions, but if you're waiting for me to trust you, don't waste your time.
Sunday February 23rd, 2014 | 4:46pm
Dreamed the other night that I texted Santi. I don't remember why. But he replied immediately and with a textwall. I remember being fairly reticent in the ensuing conversation, to the point where I'd think I was depressed but I wouldn't have reached out if I was depressed. So perhaps I was quiet simply because I was reluctant to trust him again.
When I woke up, the first thing I did was check Whatsapp. And was disappointed when it was blank.
I'm the first to admit that I'm pretty damn broken, but N needs to stop trying to fix the parts of me that aren't broken. Guy, when you start to spit scripture at me about idolatry, I know where the conversation is heading and I'm going to cut it off. I don't need your anti-Catholic bullshit so don't even waste your time.
It got me thinking, though, about that terrible weekend in 2011. I remember my initial prayers and the signs from God. But until today I'd forgotten getting home that Monday afternoon, curling up on the living room floor and sobbing my head off, apologizing for questioning and doubting God and promising that I'd never do it again. I. am. Catholic. And no Johnny-come-lately is going to change that. How can I abandon God when he won't abandon me?
And in case I needed the reminder, today's offertory hymn was "I Have Loved You" which includes the line "I have called you and you are mine." It's the first time in weeks they've even done a hymn during the presentation of the gifts. Definitely a hint. No worries, I got it. I'm not going anywhere.
Friday February 21st, 2014 | 9:58am
(Thursday) Hey guy, maybe when you're hanging with a lady you know is bi, maybe you shouldn't be all "hey this song is awesome" when the lyrics mention terrible things like war and violence and gay marriage. One of these things is not like the others. I know you've been brought up in the culture and religion but if you don't want me to punch you, it's time to evolve. I have no time for that shit.
Today is beyond fired. Neither of my parents were concerned enough about the "low tire pressure" message on the car to actually check the pressure and see that it was completely flat. So instead of leaving it home and taking my car to work, we drove to Queens on a rim. And guess who got to handle the literally ten phone calls all day dealing with that. If you answered "the person who drives the car maybe twice a year for oil changes" you win.
And then "Unwell" was on in the deli. And then we got the news about Johnny. And then the Swedish women coughed up a 2 goal lead. And then the US women coughed up a 2 goal lead. Pretty much the only thing to go right today was that we didn't have to call an ambulance for a patient passing out on the stairs - that was last week.
Plus I'm stuck staying off twitter until tonight so I don't get spoiled for the skating.
N posted pictures of our adventure yesterday to facebook, including one with both of us. He asked permission and I said it was fine, figuring that since he didn't tag me and our friend overlap is zero mom's family won't see and ask questions. Realized several hours later that half of the staff at the restaurant is friends with him. *facepalm* It's one thing for G to know since I trust him. It's another for a manager, several waiters and a bunch of other staff to possibly see us posing for a picture together.
(Friday) One of these days I'll actually finish a post the same day I start it. But in the mean time, I arrived at the car service place just in time to see the Beach Boys on Queen Latifah playing "Fun Fun Fun." Always in my heart.
Saturday February 15th, 2014 | 2:27am
Open letter time!
No, I don't really want to go dancing with you. Partly because I suck at dancing. But more because - as I told you - I'm seeing someone. Someone who isn't you. If I'm going to go dancing (ha!) it would be with him. But thanks for asking.
Love (not really), me
Yes, I believe in/adoro a/pray to la Virgen. Ella es mi madre, y es la madre a todos. Again, you're far too late to this party. I attend the Church of Saint Mary, and I'm named for our Blessed Mother. She isn't an idol. She's an intercessor. As my high school's motto said, Omni ad Jesum per Mariam. So yeah. Thanks, but I won't stop praying to Mary any time soon.
Actual fondness, me
PS: See you Wednesday
Dear Ellen Page:
I've never really liked you, but if you're family (and apparently you are) I've got your back.
Your sister in LGBT-ness, me
Oh, and I've finished up 3 classes so I'm less worried about yarny stuff. I can do a pair of mitts in about three days, and I can do blanket squares for the rest so I'm covered as long as I abandon the rainbow scarf. Which is fine. I should do a little more before bed, but stick to simple stuff as I'm fairly tipsy and would like to not have to rip out my work in the
morning afternoon. Anyway, I'll survive. Especially once I finish up Wingspan, which I'm making steady progress on. Yes, I've got this. *staggers off to yarn*
Friday February 14th, 2014 | 2:02am
"A man in the park read the lines in my hand"
N traced the lines of my palm. Because apparently I needed a reminder of falling in love on a rainy day in London in a tiny back alley cafe.
My sexuality is going to be an issue. Both "but the Bible" and "I can help you" were uttered. Which...no. I don't need help with who I am. You're way late to the party on that one. I've accepted who I am and nobody else gets to have a say.
This Ravellenics project is going to be the death of me. I've fallen behind on both of my long-term projects and have had little time for everything else I need to finish. At least the snow day today helped me catch up. And the yarn I dyed the other night came out fucking awesome.
I got N two tickets to the Cradle of Aviation Museum for Valentine's Day. He likes planes and spacecraft so he'll like it. I also told him about the Enterprise space shuttle being at the Intrepid so we'll probably go there eventually too.
God, I've missed having someone around to talk to and hang out with. Gotta just enjoy the ride while it lasts.
Tuesday February 11th, 2014 | 1:31am
It's funny. When I'm feeling off-kilter, I tell myself maybe I should stop by church. Never happens. Today, I made it happen. Of course - because it's not for me. Yesterday, before I knew the whole story I had stopped by St. Francis' statue. Made the full rounds today. Well, except St. Jude. We're not there yet. I told him I'd be back if I need him, though God forbid it get that bad.
It'll be ok. It has to.
In other developments over the weekend, A told me he's undocumented. Deliberately overstayed his tourist visa. Not that it changes anything. Just something to be aware of and sensitive to. It also made it that much more annoying when mom started ranting the next day about not wanting single payer healthcare because of illegals cheating the system. I couldn't believe what she was saying. She's supposed to be the better one. The one who tries not to be racist. I would have been pissed about what she said anyway, but to be not even twelve hours after A telling me that he's not here legally just made it that much more infuriating.
Also, you'd deny everyone for fear of the small amount of fraud that does happen? You're also supposed to be the non-spiteful one, mom. Ugh. It was literally "I've got mine, screw everyone else." I've gotta work on her. She was like I've payed into social security since I was 14 and it's not right for that to be taken from me. I tried to remind her that I'm paying into it too even though it'll be long gone by the time I'm 65, and her comeback was that it'll be gone because of the deadbeats and the illegals mooching from the system. Tried asking her how illegals could get anything without proper documentation and was told that they manage it, she knows, she's heard stories. *headdesk* I was too flabbergasted to go any further. (Also also? I'd seen this around the internet but I understand it better now: people aren't illegal. Undocumented, yes. Never illegal.)
Ah, and apparently I shouldn't be calling him A, but N. Further related to being undocumented.
He's sweet. And I do like him. But it's not what I had with Santi. That's comparing a match to a bonfire. In the words of a song that's helped me before: "Never make a promise or plan / Take a little love where you can" (Different part of the song from previous significance) He makes me smile. I can settle for that for now.
Friday February 7th, 2014 | 1:37am
God has a sense of humor. Just. Jesus take the wheel. I can't even.
Tuesday February 4th, 2014 | 1:07am
I am still PMS-ing and everything sucks. The cold that started out behind my eyes is moving down to my chest but decided to stop in some random sinus at the back of my head and throb. The snow today kept me from a doctor's appointment and from Panera, and we're supposed to get more on Wednesday - potentially disrupting an already once postponed dentist appointment as well as Knit Night. I'm bored and stir crazy and lonely and cranky and tired of Kdramas and crocheting.
And even when I do get a break from shitty hormones, I get to celebrate by bleeding half to death.
Fuck the Ravellenics rules. Competition starts on Thursday? Then I can damn well warp my loom on Thursday even though it's before the torch is lit. And I will have zero compunctions lying about it.
Ugh, just fuck the world already. I hate it all. (And I will damn well hate things if I want to, thankyouverymuch. Especially snow.)
Monday February 3rd, 2014 | 1:01am
Why don't I ever get a say in matters? Why do things always get decided for me? It's one thing when it's my parents - I work for them and they feed and house me. There's a power differential. But in my adult friendships and relationships where things are supposed to be equal? I get told "this is how it will be." It's over now because I say it is. We're doing things this way because this is how I do things.
This is why I throw myself into yarn and books. Because I don't and will never understand people. It's fine. This will all end soon and I'll be back to where I've settled. Alone and numb and...alone.
(Ok, fine, I'm being unfair. People are entitled to end friendships and relationships whenever they want. And I've certainly done more than enough at times to warrant being unfriended and have nuked shit myself. I'm just PMSing and have no perspective right now. Still stand by the second paragraph, tho.)
Friday January 31st, 2014 | 11:58pm
Don't tell me always or forever or siempre. Forever is a lie. Forever doesn't happen. Forever means "until I get tired of you, then I'll crush you by leaving."
You want to tell me forever? Do what you want - I can't stop you. But I won't believe you.
Mom and I survived the outdoor game despite LIRR fuckery, the highlight of which was a sign saying the 5:30 train is both on time and cancelled at the same time. Inadvertently cutting the security line got us inside with time for food. I enjoyed the first period immensely. Started to fade in the second and got downright cranky by the start of the third, not helped by the disgusting Rags fan in front of me. Constant taunting, whining about calls, cursing every other word. Epitome of a classless Rangers fan. We bounced early, missed nothing, and were home before midnight which was way earlier than I was expecting.
Due to the transit issues, I told mom I'm never going to the Stadium again. Of course that guarantees that Josh will now play there one day and I'll have to eat my words. I'd consider another outdoor game but only at Citi and with the knowledge that mom isn't going with me.
Oh, and considering the Ticketmaster fuckery when originally getting the tickets, we had pretty awesome seats straight behind Nabby's net. 9000 feet away of course, but what can you do.
And I have tentative proof that my girl gaydar isn't as bad as I always thought. Well then. (Aka someone I had a crush on may be in a relationship with a woman. And this is separate from Maria McHottiePants being with a woman.)
Hey, Mr. Maitre D'? Yeah, I'm intent on my book. It's a trashy romance novel. Not that I'll tell you that. But I was in the middle of a fairly hardcore scene when you sat down and distracted me from it. Thanks, bro.
Lord, my life. What has it become?
Saturday January 25th, 2014 | 12:19am
Welp, that was clear as anything. I've been slowly working my way through this book of short stories rec'd by a bunch of people I follow on twitter. The restaurant actually had enough people that I was able to read mostly in peace so I figured I'd be able to finish off the book. Except the first story I hit tonight hit me back. So. Damn. Message received. Loud and clear.
Coming out is hella stressful. I've generally never really had to come out a lot - either I meet friends online where it's not much of a secret. Or it's none of their damn business. Or it's Monday night at Panera and Lynda's being a moron about the laws in Russia and I tell Marj (who I know won't give a fuck) that if I go over the table to throttle Lynda, it's because this whole deal is personal for me since I'm bi. But coming out to someone when you have no idea what their response is going to be? And they don't respond for what feels like a damn eternity? Terrible. Ugh. But at least it's over.
I thought I had more to say. Possibly about Madison Chock and how I will actually care about ice dancing in the Olympics this year, because damn. I don't really care too much about hockey. No US because no Kyle. No Finland because they didn't take Bergie. I love Johnny but don't like the rest of Canada so I'm meh about the whole thing. Whatever, I have Ravellenic stuff to do. And snowboardcross to watch. Maybe some other figure skating. We'll see.
Thursday January 23rd, 2014 | 2:06am
I started a new K-drama last week. Third episode ended with this.
"You asked that I forget you. Is that what you truly want? Then I am sorry. I tried to forget. But I could not forget you."
Even with everything going on, I can't forget him. I still miss him more than I've ever missed anyone.
I can tell that this thing with A isn't going to go anywhere. Not because of my still being hung up on Santi. Just general long-term incompatibility. So I'm kinda holding back in an attempt at self-preservation. That maybe I'll only have to put a few pieces back together instead of being completely shattered when it ends.
Y'know, when I was feeling soul-crushingly lonely a few weeks ago, I probably sent up an inadvertent prayer. Life has certainly not been boring since that evening. He does hear me and He does answer me. This isn't the first time it's happened. I don't ask for it - like Ahaz, I will not tempt the Lord by asking for a sign. But I cherish it when it happens.
Tuesday January 21st, 2014 | 1:49pm
One of my favorite parts of the Bible has to be Acts 2: 13 & 15. It's never, ever read in church. It's Pentecost, right after the apostles start speaking in tongues. Most of the crowd is astonished, but then a few people say "Those guys must be drunk." Yes, that's actually in the Bible. And then St. Peter replies with "No, no, hold up and listen. First off, we can't possibly be drunk - it's only 9am." There's just something so ridiculous about the whole scenario that it becomes hilarious. I have to believe God has a sense of humor.
To be honest, this whole thing with my new best friend? Has kinda been good for me. Reminder that not everyone in the world sucks. And it's kinda melting my walls a little bit. Which is scary, but now that they're starting to come down I can see that they may have been getting a bit too thick. Admittedly, this is also bordering on sending me into either anxiety or a manic episode or something. I'm jittery. Hard to concentrate.
It's not going to lead anywhere. My heart's not in it. But I can enjoy something for once in my life. And hope that it doesn't drag me down too far when it ends.
Sunday January 19th, 2014 | 1:41am
I made a comment to one of the guys last night about how I was so popular. He said "It's because you're friendly." I managed not to laugh in his face, but it was close. For a more accurate view of my personality, please see my Monday night crew - the ones who when I said "this shawl represents my personality because it's got teeth and I'm a bit prickly" three of them in stereo replied "A bit???" Thanks, gals.
Anyway, I realized last night that I can chill the entire fuck out about everything. Because at some point my new best friend is going to realize that I'm not worth the effort of knowing, same way everyone else does. That I'm not the sweet, pretty, special girl he sees, but a boring, cranky, bitter old bitch. (He's 23. That makes me ancient.) Blessed is rain, yo. The statue on the pedestal will come tumbling to the ground. (Yes, that would be a Johnny Maestro reference. Told you I'm old.) So I'll just ride it out. It may take a while, due to the language barrier, but I'm sure it'll happen. And then I'll be alone again, the way I was meant to be.
Saturday January 18th, 2014 | 1:42am
I was possibly the most popular person at the restaurant tonight. I couldn't go five minutes without someone talking to me. Even the bartender I've never noticed before said he's seen me there. Um, ok? Whatever, bro. And my new bff was glaring sooooooo hard at the other guys who dared to talk to me. Kinda hilarious.
Anyway, I managed not to fuck anything up too badly. Water in between drinks probably helped. Hopefully I won't be nauseous and/or hungover on my way to the VKL marketplace tomorrow. Lemme go finish my stitch quota for the night so I can sleep and get up for my 9:15 train.
Friday January 17th, 2014 | 6:23pm
Don't be alarmed, that thumping noise you hear is just me headdesking forever. Especially when he said he'd like to have coffee together sometime -- which is exactly the line I used the last time I asked someone out, ages upon ages ago.
I have vague recollections of dreams last night where I was driving and failing to stop in time at stop signs and ending up skidding ten feet into the intersection. I used to have this same dream fairly regularly, but it's been a while. It's a pretty obvious "I feel like things are running out of control" message, and not surprising that it would pop back up now.
It's just that I'm so used to chatting with the staff there. I'm there at least once a week, half the time it's by myself, and since I'm not subtle with my love of sports, I can easily end up in long conversations with anyone from other patrons (like the businessman* the other night who was 30 years older than me, and I felt safe enough talking to since I could tell I was about ten years too young for him), to bartenders, to waiters, to managers, to the executive chef. Generally it's all men but it's just small talk. And I'm so used to guys not noticing me as a girl that it didn't even occur to me that this guy would. I'm sorry, I'm oblivious.
One bit of unrelated good news - last week, I opened the door to find a raccoon on the patio. Bravely, I chased it away and off the property. Today, in daylight, I came across it again and it's not a raccoon, it's a freakishly huge cat. So, yay for not having a raccoon. I tried to apologize and feed it, but it wanted nothing to do with me and Buddy ended up eating the food I left. But seriously, what the hell is in the water around here that we've got such big cats hanging around?
Oh, tonight's going to be interesting, I bet. *sigh* Wish me luck.
*Dude, I appreciate your tips on how to monetize my crochet hobby but it doesn't work. There's threads on Ravelry every damn week about how to make money from knitting and crocheting and the answer is always "you can't." Except through designing. So it's nice of you to try but it's not gonna happen.
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