Wednesday July 9th, 2014 | 12:43am

I knew I had something else! I watched "Blue is the Warmest Color" on the way down here. Palme d'Or winner, dyke movie, all that, shoulda been up my alley. Yeah, not so much. Disappointing given the hype. I hate cheating so that didn't help. (No, protag, I don't care that you felt alone. Say something or deal. Fucking a coworker is not a solution.) Oh, and reviews that said Adele's sexuality is "ambiguous"? Fuck you. Bisexuality is not "ambiguous sexuality" and is real.

Had drinks and conversation with strangers at one bar, got ogled but good at another. This is ridiculously good for my self-esteem. I've always thought of myself as a girl no one notices, much less is interested in. Hard evidence against the latter these past two nights. Lemme tell you, being alone next week in Providence is going to be interesting.

All right, gotta finish my drink. Peace.

Edit: lol you guys my mom is so proud of me for talking to strangers tonight and for dancing last night. Heh.

I should crochet now that I'm back in the room but if I close my eyes the room spins and that means whatever I do tonight will prob need to be undone tomorrow. But maybe not! *power of positive thinking*

Tuesday July 8th, 2014 | 5:51pm

Why did I wait till I was 30 to go to a dance club? Well, other than the fact that I've always had too much of a stick up my ass to enjoy it. My favorite Atlantic City bar is now closed on Mondays and Tuesdays so I went to the one place open late last night which happened to be a nightclub. And I had a blast. Definitely something I needed.

And this was all after playing blackjack for two hours with one of the owners of Knit, which is kind of surreal. I knew she'd be there so I had to sit for a while but I didn't expect to stay quite that long.

Meh that's about all I've got for now. Ta.

Wednesday July 2nd, 2014 | 11:47pm

Last week at Panera, I went to tell the new girl "I have no friends around here other than this group so blah blah whatever" but she started talking to someone else so I trailed off after "I have no friends." And Kim goes "Excuse me?!?!" Woman, no. I explained what I'd been trying to say and that I'd been interrupted and she calmed down. But really. No. The only reason you people tolerate me is that I hold every motherfucking thing back. You don't know how often I cry or how often I hate myself or how half the time I don't even enjoy what I'm working on but that by God I will finish it because otherwise I'm letting everyone down. You don't know how bad it is here, how I have to protect myself even at home because no one supports me, not even mom. How I don't trust anyone. How angry I get and the plans I make for when I eventually snap. How I have zero qualms about cutting all ties with that group, if need be. How little I care about them, or about anyone anymore.

I've gotten so good at hiding it all. Necessity, I suppose. But if they think they know a damn thing about me? One day, when I leave without a backwards glance, they'll learn how wrong they are.

But for now, back to crocheting. Because I can't let everyone down.

Wednesday July 2nd, 2014 | 4:47am

I had another Santi reunion dream the other night. It was odd because it was in the old Waldbaums that used to be in the shopping center that's been gone for probably over 10 years now. I kept catching glimpses of him as I shopped but every time I noticed him he'd back off. Finally I saw him on line to check out and got in line behind him. I know I started to talk to him but either the dream shifted at that point or I just woke up. It's nice, but at the same time, it's kind of a depressing way to start a Monday. "Hey, remember that guy you want back in your life? Here he is! But not really. Oh sorry, did I get your hopes up?"

No jewelry class until probably October. I'd miss three out of five sessions in the summer term, either traveling or filling in at work, so it wasn't worth it. Then there's summer break and it probably won't start again until after the Jewish holidays. Not that I'll miss dragging myself out of bed for it, helps. Well, sometimes. But it requires enough brain power and/or concentration that I can stop thinking. If I've got a flaming torch in my hand, I can't worry about the negative thought loop going through my head.

I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something.

Saturday June 28th, 2014 | 12:24am

Heyyyy I'm a jerkoff for not wanting septuagenarians (at least. Maybe even octogenarian) in my personal space and drunkenly leaning up against me. Cool! Good to know. Didn't realize retirement homes let residents out after 10pm.

Bar is much more peaceful when I don't have waitstaff talking to me every five minutes. Nice, especially when the Mets game is still going and actually being shown there.

I'm watching a K-drama that I don't really care about but I'm through 21 of 24 episodes and want to know how it ends. Probably badly since that's the whole theme of the show. I need to finish so I have something better to watch next week when the late night shows are in reruns and the week after when I'm in NJ with my parents.

Oh shit, I should deal with the yarn I'm trying to dye. Cuz playing with a hot crock pot when I'm tipsy is a great idea. (Burned myself steaming potatoes the other day. Survived that one, barely.) To the crock pot.

Tuesday June 17th, 2014 | 1:01am

Given half a chance, people will be inconsiderate, or hurt you, or irritate you, or disappoint you, or betray you. I'm done giving them the chance. I'll stay home, away from people.

Added benefit is that it keeps me from being the one doing the disappointing/betraying/etc. Can't hurt anyone or get hurt if I don't get close.

"I have my reasons
Why I walk this lonely road"

Friday June 13th, 2014 | 11:39pm

If you think cleaning out the gutters at 11pm is a good idea, you may be manic. (Note: not me. So not me. My rarely-seen mania does not include cleaning.)

And asking who you have in the World Cup doesn't mean I want to hear a dissertation on the different federations and how teams qualify for the tournament. If I didn't think you were cute, G, you'd have been getting all the eye-rolls. I mean, I get it, intellectually I know this is a huge event. But it's just not my sport so I don't care. If we (the US) had any shot, I might care but as it is, nope.

Now I am watching hockey alone. The way I'm meant to be.

Edit: I knew I forgot something. While observing aforementioned gutter cleaning, a damn raccoon either ran into my leg or swatted at my leg with its paw. Fuck raccoons, man. Just fuck those assholes.

Thursday June 12th, 2014 | 1:55am

I am never going to be happy. I can objectively recall that I've had times where I was happy but I don't know how they felt, and I know they never lasted more than a handful of days.

(You're letting the end of a crappy relationship bother you way too much. You were incompatible. He couldn't accept two of the most important parts of your identity. It wasn't going to work out, and now it's over.)

Things feel like they're never going to change. I want to travel. I want to move out. I want something different. But nothing ever changes.

Here's why I feel like I don't matter: I know beyond a doubt that "for my happiness, sanity, and well-being" is not a good enough reason to leave. Everyone else's convenience is more important than my health.

And on top of everything, I resent myself for being so damn miserable for no reason when other people have real fucking problems. 

I've wasted my life and have done nothing to deserve being happy or loved. I'm a miserable person and I need to stop inflicting myself on innocent people who expect me to be a reliable friend or partner of any kind. No one wants to deal with someone who disappears as often as I do. 

Ah there's the word I'm looking for: I'm a disappointment.

"Whenever you want to talk to me do not hesitate" But I can't. I can't talk to anyone because my problems are too stupid and insignificant. I just need to keep sequestering myself. Hide away long enough and maybe everyone will forget about me, forget what a lousy friend/coworker/daughter/girlfriend I am, and I can stop feeling like such a let-down.

I'll be fine in the morning. And if I'm not, at least it's par for the course. 

Saturday June 7th, 2014 | 12:31am

PRO FUCKING TIP: if you want to talk to me, tap me on the shoulder and talk to me. Don't fucking lurk behind me and hope I notice you. Cuz that's fucking creepy, N.

He gave up after I glanced in the mirror to see who was being creepy behind me then went back to my book. Move on, guy. I'm down to two Spanish speaking dudes I care about and the one on this continent is in San Fran tonight.

At least no one bothered me again tonight and I was able to read and text in peace. Thank God for small miracles.

Can I finish this row of my shawl, or will the margaritas win by putting me to sleep? Time to find out.

Wednesday June 4th, 2014 | 2:16am

He's still hypomanic. I hate it even though he seems like he's in a good enough mood because I know what's going to follow. So the good mood just rings false. My neutral mask has been getting a lot of use.

Been dragging myself to my social outings. Panera on Mondays, Knit on Tuesdays, jewelry. Chip's on Friday where I actually went in and was blessedly undisrupted. I don't particularly want to do any of it other than jewelry, but I want even less to have to explain or make excuses for my absence. Or explain to my parents why I'm not going out, or sit in my car pretending I'm out.

Kim found another local from the House Cup and brought her to Panera. She's actually ridiculously cute and nerdy and I had to make myself stop staring at her the first time she was there. It's nice because I haven't had a girlcrush in long enough that I was doubting myself. Good to have that confirmation. Not going to do anything about it cuz a) don't fuck with group chemistry and b) still feeling like I'm too fucked up for anyone to love me. #teamforeveralone

N saw me the night I sat outside Chip's and couldn't understand why I was "not ok" if nothing specific had happened. The nail in the coffin was him saying "you should be different." Nope. Nope nope nope. Good night, Gracie.

Just let me stay in my room and I won't bother anyone.

Wednesday May 28th, 2014 | 1:02am

I've given everyone I know
A good reason to go

I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something
Wrong with me

And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed-up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep

But don't be concerned
You know I'll be fine on my own
I never said "don't go"

(don't go)

Friday May 23rd, 2014 | 10:15pm

Friday night. Time for me to go out...and sit in my car in the parking lot.

I was depressed Wednesday night and Thursday because my father's manic and I'm waiting for the volcano to explode and know that life will be hell when it does. Slightly better today but I still Do Not Want to put on a face and be social. Can't explain to my parents why I don't want to go out so here I am.

Everything I write just feels like whining and makes me disgusted with myself so I'll just shut up. It's not like anyone around here (i.e., in NY) cares.

Saturday May 17th, 2014 | 12:10am

I had a pleasantly liquor-filled week, interrupted only by the fact that either alcohol in general or tequila specifically now gives me heartburn after approximately two drinks. Curses to getting older. I'll have to try Nexium or Protonix the next time I travel and have multiple drinks on consecutive nights. 

I did a ton of reading, getting through the latter half of Dance plus about three other books. I made sure to make some progress on my OWL even if I slacked on my other projects. (Note to self: warp loom tomorrow.) And I enjoyed the 80 degree weather especially since I came home to more 60s. Plus epic rain today. Epic enough that our cable (including internet) is currently out.

Apparently "I wish you luck and all the best" does not equal break up in Honduran. N still wants to talk, thinks I disappeared. Srsly dude? The reason I was so relaxed this past week was that I didn't need to explicarme a alguien. V. close to "no quiero ser contigo." Except there are some benefits and I am weak. "Hablamos en unos minutos" half an hour ago. Fucking Latino time. You're the one who kept saying "I want to talk with you" and "I'll let you know" and then silence. But I'm the one who disappeared. Right. I'm the adult here and can be the bigger person but even I have my limits. Pick one, bro. Either my mood swings are strange or you can deal. Tell it to me straight. I don't have the time or patience for games. Never have, never will.

Y'know what, I'll be crocheting. Lemme know if you want to talk. If not, what the fuck ever. I got better things to do. 

(In mostly unrelated news, this change in periods is not cool. This one is at least better than the last thanks to vitamin supplements but ten day periods can go fuck themselves. I know it's my own fault for sticking a monkeywrench in the works but still. Not amused.)

Edit: "Oh I was at Roberto's house." Was? What's your excuse now, "bb"?

Edit2: You didn't text because I was mad at you? Boy, you have a lot to learn. Ugh, let me count the ways in which tu no me entiendes. If I was angry with you, you'd know it, all right? I've told you when I was pissed. I'd do it again, don't worry. Right now I'm just exasperated. Very different.

Thursday May 8th, 2014 | 8:15pm

Saturday was him wanting to move back to where he'd been living previously and was I ok with that? And while his current place is easier to get to, it's a just minor inconvenience for me and has no real bearing on his decision. So I was baffled as to why he was asking and felt like he was dancing around something but never came out and said it. Then he said he was going to bed and said goodnight, then five minutes later said something I couldn't manage to translate properly. I said good night again and he was like wtf is the matter with you so I had to backtrack and explain that I'd misunderstood. I was massively frustrated by that point, then he came out with "I don't know what you want." My first two thoughts were things I couldn't say to him (Santi; respect). And since it wasn't a question, I wound up saying that no one cares what I want. (Especially since a: I'd told him point blank the previous week 'I want blah' and b: he specifically disregarded something I'd told him earlier last week. If you want to know, fucking ask.) That got me a wtf, are you drunk? Which, no. So I ended with saying I don't want anything. He said he was worried about me and going to bed - I told him not to worry.

Sunday he texted me during his break to ask how I was and to say he'd text that night. Now Saturday, he had only written me after I said to him at 1am didn't you want to talk? You're a goddamn adult, I'm not going to go chasing you down when you claim you want to talk to me. And since the guy who allegedly wanted to talk to me wasn't bothering, I wasn't going to waste my time.

Nothing until today: 'Your emotional instability is very strange (extrana), any way I wish you luck and the best.'

I reminded him that I'd told him I'm not special or good and that he should listen the next time someone tells him that.

I still feel like a failure. Even though I wanted out. Even though it wasn't working. I think it's that he specifically cited the mood swings, which I can't help but interpret as "you're too crazy." So I'm blaming myself. Even though I know he had a shitty attitude toward mental illness. Even though I know he thought my religion was false. Even though he clearly didn't truly respect me. No, it's my fault.

Whatever, I'll get over it. I posted Grumpy Cat on the quidditch thread (don't ask) and have too much to do to dwell on shit. Namely packing. And dealing with Mother's Day stuff. Feh. Back to the old grind.

Saturday May 3rd, 2014 | 7:55pm

He has done more thinking and there will be more talking after he gets off work tonight. If he wants it to be over, I'll let it go this time. I will.

Saturday May 3rd, 2014 | 2:29am

So. When last I wrote I was waiting to talk to N. We couldn't get Facetime to work so we just texted. After some hashing out, he said he wanted to talk in person. I went over after dinner on Tuesday, but he'd been up early so mostly he slept. And we didn't talk about anything important. But we appear to still be together.

Thing is, I know I can have something better. I've had better, with Santi. I have to end this, or let him end it without fighting for it, at some point. It's not what I want. But it's ok for now. Certainly it's better than nothing. I just need to get to a point where I can handle nothing.

(Or, y'know, I could just take up with other busboy O who is messaging me on Facebook. Because that wouldn't be at all awkward, breaking up with one guy and going out with his co-worker. He is cute, though.)

It's just...fuck, I miss Santi. And I know I'm probably lionizing him at this point. But there are clear differences. Respecting my religion and sexuality at the very least, among others. There are things that N asks me and I hesitate, when if it was Santi I'd agree in a heartbeat. God, what I wouldn't give. We met through a trick of fate.

Friday April 25th, 2014 | 11:54pm

Me: "Estamos novios o amigos?"
Him: Something in Spanish, some part of which sounded like it's up to you.

*HEADDESK X100000000000000000*

Also, I got accosted by a drunken asshole who insisted he's famous. He started by leaning over my shoulder and hitting my phone screen, then was outraged that I dared be angry that he's touching my stuff. And he called me a lesbian. Like that's an insult. Fucker. Bartender and manager took my side, encouraging the guy to mosey on off, so that worked. Again, as a small female human this is why I drink here - because I feel safe knowing that people will have my back.

Anyway, I asked N to call when he gets home. See if I can get an answer. Oh and he claims he's been texting and that it's not going through. I showed him my phone and he said he'd written more that hadn't come over. So. Blegh. I'm not drunk enough for this shit.

Friday April 25th, 2014 | 2:59pm

"feliz dia baby"

What theeeeee entire fuck, I so cannot even right now.

Monday afternoon he texted to say that he was spending his break by my house. (Not as creepy as it sounds, it's a five minute walk and there's two rocks that are good for sitting just across the property line.) I replied with "ok" which I meant as "that's nice, what has that got to do with me?" but I realize was fairly open to other interpretations. If he wanted me to come out, he needed to say so. He didn't and I didn't hear from him again until...that...this morning.

There is only room for one bipolar person in this relationship and that position is already filled.

The sad part is that I'll probably just swallow this and keep going with him. No reason to be consumed with despair and loneliness if I don't have to be. I just wish he'd make up his damn mind.

Sunday April 20th, 2014 | 1:00am

I don't care about him. I really don't. But I'm back to being alone. And that's what's breaking my heart.

I feel like there's only two people in the world who care about me and one of them is a thousand miles away.

Or N could start texting me. His friend told him I was there for dinner tonight but he didn't see me. Told him he walked past me and he wanted to know why I didn't say anything. Because I didn't think he wanted to see me. Why? Because he broke up with me. (I first typed because you dumped me but I figure that will translate even worse and I have no idea how to say it in Spanish.) Still waiting on a response to that. (Half an hour later no answer and he's no longer online. Right.)

I can't do friends right now. Either we're together or he needs to leave me alone for a while. And at this point, I don't think I even want together. Just go away and let me be sad for a while. It won't be the first time or the last.

(Note to self: there's a random unexplained $100 debit titled "deposit pending availability" on your checking account. If it's still there on Monday, start asking questions.)

Saturday April 19th, 2014 | 2:29am

"Is it all lies, forever and ever, everyone and everything?"

I spent $130 this afternoon on yarn for a sweater I've wanted to make for ages. Cuz fuck you, that's why. (Fall OWL? Might be.)

And I went to Chip's tonight despite everything because fuck you, that's why. 

Ah, plus I started the big Thrones jigsaw puzzle this afternoon. And picked up the book at the PW. Cuz...I think you get the idea. 

I didn't reply to what he said last night because there's nothing to say. I guess I did manage to keep from getting too attached. At this point it's more a matter of taking him at his word rather than trying to turn it around onto myself the way my jerkbrain would love to do. ("Sure, he said it's because this but it's really because you're that or wouldn't do that.") I've got enough shit rattling around in my head. Don't need to add to it.

Still fairly apathetic but at least I'm able to distract myself with mindless tasks without declaring everything pointless. That's gotta be a plus. And I'm tired of how dehydrated I've been letting myself get so I might even resume some basic self-care. Shocker. Still shorting myself on sleep but I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I guess it's late enough now, though. 

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